This is a post I've been dwelling on writing for some time now. I was unsure if I wanted to post it, but it's something that many families are dealing with. I've left out certain bits and pieces that I'm not comfortable talking about quite yet.
Soldiers, past and present, are suffering from many different problems other than physical disabilities. PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is a psychiatric disorder, a mental disability, that affects many. It's tearing not only the soldiers down, but their families too. PTSD is causing many families and marriage to break up. Some see PTSD as made up, some see the soldiers as terrible people, but they don't look at the person as an individual and what they've gone through, what they've seen, and how those feelings can be harmful.
My husband is a war vet. After seeing the things he saw in Iraq, I cannot imagine the pain and many other feelings he's holding on to; guilt, sorrow, etc. When he first returned home, and we moved in together, he was sort of ok. It took a month or two for things to settle in, and then it happened, the anger, the depression, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the bitterness.
As with most relationships when PTSD in a soldier is present, they take their anger and feelings out on the closest person to them, their spouse/partner. And there I was, pregnant and living with a "monster." It was scary, confusing, sad. I wanted so badly to help him, take away all his pain, but didn't know what to do. I felt worthless, useless, like I was nothing.
Things can get bad. Some soldiers turn to drugs or alcohol. I, as weird as this is going to sound, was extremely lucky to see my husband turn to video games. It became his addiction, his "escape" from reality. He played war games like Call of Duty and such. Although this may seem like something I shouldn't complain about to most, you have to look at the big picture of it. He was addicted, it was something he did from the time he woke up, whenever in the afternoon that may be, to the time he went to sleep, sometime early on in the morning. Here I am with an infant and a gamer husband. And we were on the other side of the states from our families, so having help was out of the question. I felt alone with this baby, confused as a first time mom, and all I wanted was my son's father to be involved more.
A common thing that comes along with PTSD is the withdraw. They withdraw from their real world, their family. And we definitely saw that. My husband grew angrier and would ignore everything going on around him. I started walking on eggshells around him, scared to set him off, scared to say what was on my mind, ask a question, say anything.
His nightmares and outbursts became worse. The name calling and blame came. The fighting became a constant. I hid my emotions as much as possible trying to prevent arguments. I felt like I wasn't allowed to have emotions, I wasn't allowed to be myself, feel anything.
My husband was medically retired from the Army in 2009 with compartment syndrome in his legs and PTSD. It was hard for him, as he watched his unit deploy again, and we moved closer to family.
I became pregnant again, while he was working full time. Things got better. We didn't have time to argue with his work hours, but he was still addicted to video games. After two lost angel babies, the storm hit again. We hit the biggest road block of our relationship.
I felt like I was to blame after seeing the worst side of him come out. I took my son and went to my grandmother's. I didn't know what else to do. We stayed for over a week, but I talked to my husband daily. He listened to my thoughts, my feelings, and I listened to him as well. We knew we were both at a wall and we needed help, outside help.
Divorce was a commonly used word during our fights. I thought I was getting stronger, demanding he respects me, thought I was done living with this monster. And worst of all I was worried about having our son around this mess. It was like a semi had smacked right into my heart, and I needed to get back up.
It takes hitting rock bottom most times for people to seek help. Most soldiers don't realize they have PTSD, they hide the fact with shame and embarrassment, or wont speak up in fear of being kicked out of the Army. Our situation for us hitting rock bottom is complicated, but we did, both of us. And the VA was the first call he made. Thankfully, Indianapolis VA got him in immediately. His case worker, an amazing man who I want to thank for so many of the things he's done, Craig Lewis, was a great help at getting him in right away for evaluations and figuring out where he needed to go and who he needed to see.
He started seeing therapists, I went in for many different sessions as well, showing not only that I supported him through this time, but that I was interested in how WE could fix things as a couple. I knew this wasn't just his problem, this was something we both as a couple needed to take on face first. We needed to work together to help not only him deal with his PTSD, but myself as well.
I took all the time I had to drive him to appointments, and used every resource I could, from the internet to books, whatever I could find, to learn about PTSD.
I then learned that spouses can suffer from the affects of a spouse's PTSD. The military does not recognize it, but it's common and a lot of spouses are seeking help for it. You don't hear about it, but it's becoming more and more public.
Sometimes you have to drop your wall and admit defeat. I admitted it. From the screaming and yelling arguments, to the name calling and belittling, we faced the world of PTSD, and with our toddler watching from the sidelines. We were both victims of the war. I didn't see the war first-hand but I saw the aftermath.
It can take seeing multiple therapists, many psychologists, and making a ton of pushy phone calls, but help can be found. The VA won't push you to get help, they won't always offer it. You have to ask, and sometimes demand the help you need. The help is there.
Most marriages with PTSD can be saved. It takes a long process, a lot of heartache, and a lot of fighting. Both involved have to be strong willed, and dedicated. Things get worse, tons worse, before they get better. There is success if you fight for it. It's good to have a support system. My amazing mother in law and my friend Mary were mine. They both understood what I was going through, and could help me understand how to deal with my husband's disease. It's taken us years, 2 live kids and a current pregnancy, 2 states and handfuls of therapists and psychologists to get to where we are. Now don't get me wrong. Things aren't fairy-tale perfect. But they're perfect for us. We still have our arguments, but they're not what they used to be. Everyone has noticed such a change in my husband. He's a new person, and he's still learning how to be the father our son's need. He still has a hard time opening up and bonding, but he's come a long way since Iraq. He's not the monster I thought he was. He was just a hurt, confused, sad soldier who needs so many things.
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